Although the threat of nuclear annihilation seems to have subsided, it appears that Western civilization is still threatened-largely by its own creations. Have you noticed lately some of the warning labels on products around your house? Makes it seem that the Intercontinental Ballistic Missile wasn’t such a menace after all, considering that our toasters may explode at any moment, our hair dryers are in imminent danger of meltdown, and at any moment we may slip in the shower, accidentally dragging the microwave oven, fax machine, and lawn mower in with us.
Like divers in shark-infested waters, product manufacturers are scrambling to protect themselves against product liability lawsuits by plastering their wares with labels with labels warning against every possible danger, no matter how absurd.
My interest in preposterous product safety warnings got started after a weekend trip to the in-laws. While unpacking the suitcase, I happened upon my wife’s curling iron, which had a label on the cord warning: "Do not use while drowsy or sleeping." To the best of my knowledge, no one has ever used any household appliance while sleeping, let alone one that could cause split ends. Who is this manufacturer trying to protect itself against? Workaholic sleepwalking cosmetologists?
I appreciate the concern my answering machine manufacturer has for me by advising against installing or modifying telephone wiring during a lightning storm. and I’m thankful for the warnings printed on automotive cardboard sunscreens that caution the driver to "Remove sunscreen before operating vehicle." Luckily, I suspect that this warning is unnecessary. The people who would need such advice never get out of the driveway, unable to determine which end of the key to insert into the ignition.
A brand of digital pager carries the advisory "Do not swallow battery compartment door." This manufacturer has left itself wide open, however, by not adding the warning "Caution: Remove battery compartment door before swallowing digital pager."
Furthermore, it appears that, far from being our "silicon buddies," computers are a great threat to personal health. We all know that stress is being blamed for more and more illnesses, and no workplace wonder has more potential for aggravation than the computer. How many of us have worked all night on a report for the 8 a.m. staff meeting, only to have the system lock up and lose an entire day’s worth of work? All computer manufacturers should be required to place a big fluorescent label on the front of each unit stating "Caution: In case of system malfunction, do not insert fist into monitor. No user-serviceable parts inside."
And what about those pesky atoms that everything is made of? While it may have seemed that the quantum physicists were the only ones distraught at the cancellation of the superconducting supercollider, based in Waxahachie, Texas, product safety experts are alarmed at the possible implications. It seems that the scientists running these proton-pulverizers have known for years that the quarks, electrons, and muons that make up all matter are inherently unsafe.
The Journal of Irreproducible Results, the Mad magazine of the scientific world, made a valiant attempt to warn the general public of the dangers that scientists have uncovered. In their article "A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels" (Vol. 36, Jan./Feb. 1991, pp. 21-26), authors Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitsky suggested a new class of warning labels, to protect us against the building blocks of the universe. Consider these reprinted below by permission of Blackwell Scientific Publications, Inc.:
"Note: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together by a 'gluing' force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive power can therefore not be permanently guaranteed."
"Handle with extreme care: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving in excess of five hundred million miles per hour."
"Important notice to purchasers: The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently reemerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed."
If you feel as strongly about this subject as I do, write your congressional representative, physicist, or hair-care product manufacturer immediately and ask him or her to look into the matter of product safety. From the space shuttle to Mom's meatloaf, hazards are lurking everywhere and it is our duty to protect each and every person, no matter how remote the possibility of injury. Forewarned is forearmed.
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